Road Rage: What's the Problem with That?

Editors Note: This is from about 1999 or 2000 when this site was known as dorfworld.com (before some chinese pinko bastardstole my domain during the renewal period). The reason I bring this out now is because just yesterday, some young woman driver pulled into traffic without looking, forcing me to brake sharply on a snowy road causing me to skid out of control. Luckily, I was not hit---though I wanted to hit her.

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My Favorite Road Raging Targets

1. The asshole who just has to turn out into my lane 50 feet before I get there--even though there isn't another car behind me for 4 miles--then proceeds to drive 10 mph under the speed limit. This usually happens on a hilly/curving road with virtually no chance to pass him and his rusted out piece 'o crap. This fuckstick is just begging for me to tailgate his ass.

2. All white teenagers playing that goddamned rap music.

3. That shit-for-brains loser driving a rusted out 1984 Chrysler Reliant who flips me off because he ran a yield sign, but is too stupid to realize he's the stupid one who ran the yield sign. This is one of my favorites because I know I have another rager on the other end of my rage. The only difference is that he is the dumb one and can be intimidated by someone driving a vehicle with all four wheel covers present.

4. Anyone from Illinois, or anyone sporting a Minnesota Vikings or Dallas Cowboys sticker on their car.

8. Any car with a "Kerry-Edwards" bumper sticker. This is probably my best bet for a preemptive road rage strike in that anyone supporting these two butt wipes is either a baby killer, a tree hugger or one of those sicko PETA fanatics who would rather kill a baby than a lab rat. Either way these ignorant fools have a bullseye on their car

Instead, I got the dorfmobile heading the right way down the road again and eventually caught up to the offending driver at the 18th Street stoplights. I pulled up right next to her on her left and glared at her. She knew what she had did and refused to look my way. I honked my horn, but she still looked straight ahead. Another honk...no response.

Why do I tell you this? To show how the skilled Road Rager can still make his point without resorting to violence.

I don't get what all the fuss is about regarding the increased frequency of road rage. To me, RR is a good thing and even saves lives. But do you think our government and law enforcement officials think so? Hell no. With applying just a little logic (granted, a difficult task when you're a congressman or a patrolman trying to fend off a donut craving) these morons would see that road rage is not the evil it's been portrayed to be.

On the surface, outsiders see RR as the violent manifestation of some deeply held anger by the "rager", but this is but one point of view, and rarely the real cause of RR. The dynamics of RR strike much deeper than this.

For example, perhaps the "rager" is not the raving lunatic he appears to be at the superficial level, but is attempting to communicate with others on a non-verbal level. Not all crappy drivers have a cell phone in the car so that I may politely call and tell them they're shitty drivers. And if they did, I'm sure I don't have their number. Besides, do you really want a bad driver distracted by an incoming phone call?

When I do my "raging" it is not because I harbor ill feelings toward my own self or society as a whole, but a desire to impart to the "ragee" that he is a fucking idiot and should not be on the road with other cars. Hey, it's nothing personal, but if you're a menace to myself and other safe drivers, I'm going to let you know that in the most unforgettable and frightening way I can.

Remember: you get but one chance to make a first impression. If you fuck up on the road, you blew your one and only chance to impress me. Chances are if you can't read a stop or yield sign, then you're too stupid for me to have any desire to forge a long term friendship with. Why should I string you along? No, it's better if I just come out and indicate you are a shithead . It's better this way, believe me.

For the idiot who incurs the rager's wrath, RR serves another purpose: To reaffirm that he is an idiot who has no business on the road. This is classical Pavlovian theory in action. Tell the moron he's a moron enough times and he'll eventually believe it. Make the moron afraid to venture out on the road, and he'll stop driving. And when he stops driving, he'll no longer be in danger of getting himself or innocent driver's killed in an auto accident. So you see, road rage saves lives. Simple, isn't it? Yet Road Rage is still perceived negatively.

There are other reasons to openly embrace road rage. When I'm the victim of someone's idiotic driving I usually have some choice words for the offending party to go along with my repitoire of obscene hand gestures. Often, my children are in the car to hear these choice words. These are the same kids who still believe that "shut up" is a naughty word. I guess I'd call them naive when it comes to cursing. Anyway, I don't want my kids picking up this filthy language on the streets. If they are going to drop some F-bombs, I'd rather they picked it up from me. At least then I'll know that they'll be using phrases like "you fucking asshole", "watch it you stupid bitch" or my own personal favorite "die you cocksucking piece of shit", correctly and in the proper social settings and context.

As an expert in the psychology of road rage, I've often been asked questions about this so-called malady. I'll answer a few of most common questions here.

Q. Is road rage necessary?

A. Without road rage the nation's roadways would turn into a deadly gauntlet for safe drivers. Road rager's are much like deputy's on the roads. Without RR crappy drivers would flourish. We must not let that happen.

Q. Is there a future in road raging?

A. You bet there is. The baby boomers are just now starting to reach senior citizen age. What this means to you, the aspiring road rager, is that the population will be teeming with older drivers---older drivers with failing vision and dulled reflexes. You can figure out the rest I'm sure. Also, have you seen what the public schools are putting out? The kids are getting dumber and dumber, can't read a lick and have more body piercings than IQ points. You do the math. The outlook for Road Ragers is very positive.

Q. What kind of living can I hope to make as a road rager?

A. The more effort you put into road raging, the greater the rewards. It's all up to you

 

 

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