ESPN PISSES ME OFF

It seems with the proliferation of all sports networks, that most of these broadcasters experience some serious lapses in programming judgement. I don't blame the networks totally, but if I had half a brain I probably would. Granted, it's a tough some days to fill just an hour program with sports news---especially during baseball season---much less the full 24 hours in a day.

Yet, there is no excuse for what some of these sports networks are putting out over their satellites under the guise of sports . The "S" in ESPN stands for "sports". The "Sports" Channel would lead the clear-thinking individual to actually believe that they broadcast sports. The same with MSC--the "S" stands for "sports". One would also think, that as semi-educated people, program directors would have enough sense to know just what does and what does not constitute a "sport". Apparently this is not so. It's bad enough that we're subjected to lame-ass shows like "Speed Week" and "Baseball Tonite", but when these network executives start slipping in some of these other things...... It's like spitting into the wind---you just don't do it.

With this in mind, here are the dumbest, non-sports programming found on ESPN, and other so-called "sports networks", that are feebly passed off as "sports" to the suckers who are stupid enough to watch it.

NOT a sport
What's the dude in the white shirt looking at?
I'll admit to watching Kiana exercise
Horse/rider....athlete/sissy with whip
Mmmmmm...Bonnie Bernstein
Craig Kilborn: cut off at the knees by ESPN
ESPN traded away Bonnie for this? WTF?
Dog Shows---Like I'm going to watch some fat old lady running around in a circle, sweating like a pig, dragging some dressed up pooch whose hairdo looks like a bad sci-fi nightmare gone terribly awry behind her. Most of these women would be better off going to the gym and working off their lard asses and making themselves look better than spending their days grooming their mutts. No thanks. I hate dog shows, it's not a sport and we'd all be better off without having them on TV. Also included in this genre is....
Greyhound racing--- Jeez. More fucking dogs. Unless you're the most compulsive of gamblers with the family double-wide on the line, why would you possibly spend your time watching this crap? The dogs don't crash into the stands or burst into flames. There is no pit crew to get run over, and as far as I can tell, no scantily clad babe to hand out a trophy to the victor. I'm sorry, but any living being that eats its own shit is not an athlete. Ban dog racing. This, to no one's suprise takes us to......
NASCAR racing---Or should I say "NECKCAR" racing? As in rednecks running on a real paved road in clown costumes!!! Whooppee!!!!! For my money, watching Cops on TV has more excitement and high speed chases than these good ol' boys racing around a freakin' circle in a perpetual left turn. And these cars and their drivers look like a bunch of bozo's with their sponsor's logos plastered on every inch of space available. If these guys had any brains at all they'd go back to Hazzard County, torment Boss Hogg for a spell, and then try to get into Daisy Duke's shorts before her husband and cousin, Luke Duke, gets home from Cooter's garage.
Spelling Bee---Excuse me? That's right....the national spelling bee championships brought to you courtesy of ESPN. I kind of suspect one of the nerds in charge over in Bristol either had a wonderful experience competing in the spelling bee or had a distant rich relative's kid in the contest. Whereas you could possibly convince me (only by means of torture) that auto racing is a sport, you could pull out my fingernails and staple them to my genitals before I would EVER concede that this freak show is worthy of ESPN or it's kin. Aside from Orel Herschiser, can you think of just one athlete who looks like these geeky kids? Sure they'll all probably be rich someday, but in the meantime, every one of these little Einsteins is getting the snot kicked out of them at school by the dumb kids who can't spell.
Cheerleading---You've got to be kidding me. While I admit there is a lot of work, athleticism and practice going into these routines, there's a reason why this isn't a sport: They're cheerleaders!!!! When was the last time you went to the Bradley Center and saw cheerleaders on the floor while the players stood on the sidelines with megaphones gyrating their hips to some funked up Shania Twain tune? There's a reason the cheerleaders are on the sidelines cheering: They're cheerleaders. They aren't called players. Players play and cheerleaders cheer. That's the way it is, and the way it should be. Let me put it to you this way: Would you pay $40 to sit in the freezing cold at Lambeau to watch the Packer cheerleaders cheer? Didn't think so. Besides, anything that relies on subjective scoring is not a sport---like figure skating, gymnastics and diving.

Fitness Crap--- Same old shit as above. If exercising qualifies as a sport, then we are all in trouble. Should there come a time when the AEL (American Exercise League) is formed, then I'll retract everything mean and nasty I said here. But until that time....give me a fucking break. What's next...Tae bo championships? Mall walking championships? Why not make quilting a sport too? Jesus Christ.

Exception to the rule: Fitness Beach with Kathy Derry

Harness racing---These must be the guys who are too chickenshit to ride in a saddle. Most are probably Amish too---although I have no problem with this fact. The problem with Harness racing is that not enough inner-city kids get to enjoy this activity. Let the gang bangers play too. Armed harness racing might catch on. Last one living wins. I might even watch on TV.
Lumberjacking---I'll admit to watching this once in a great while, but only because I wanted to see someone lose a limb by some freak chainsaw accident. What these guys need to do is jump in their pick up and head to the nearest Home Depot or Fleet Farm. Guys: this is 1999---You can BUY lumber at any number of places and save yourself the embarassment of performing your wood cutting on TV.
WNBA---Sorry ladies, but this is not a sport either. This is simply a bunch of horses trying playing basketball. Poorly. Yeah, you got game all right. It should be "Our league is Lame." It's such a joy to watch a bunch of sweaty hags miss layup after layup while some dumb broad in the booth makes excuses for every missed shot. Just go home and bake some cookies or something. And has anyone seen that 7'5" Chinese freak of nature play? Yikes. That's hideous.
Other things about ESPN that piss me off:
The Bonnie Bernstein debacle---It seems to me, that when you have an obvious superstar, you do whatever it takes to keep the superstar on the team. Nice job ESPN. You keep Andrea Kramer and let Bonnie go free agent. Maybe you could hire the fabulous sports blob/babe too. (Oops, you already had her on the payroll once. Why'd you let her go? Not fucking fat and ugly enough for your standards?) Stupid, stupid, stupid. Bring back Bonnie or feel my wrath.
X-games---It's bad enough to see punks around town wearing pants that hang down over their asses. What makes you think I want see some 17 year old on a skateboard with his boxers hanging out? And what the fuck is this street luge crap? If these punks had any balls at all they'd be "urban water skiing" while pulled by some Arab in a smelly taxi through New York City at rush hour going 60 mph. Now THAT'S "extreme." Pull up your pants, punk.
Jeremy Schapp---Oh, I get it. Daddy is famous so let's see if we can get his half-dead son to add a little life to the broadcast with his reporting. The only thing more boring and lifeless than this stiff is........well,.......... nothing. Is it possible for someone to be so unemotionally detatched as this cadaver? I guess the answer to this one is a resounding YES!
Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire---Somebody just punch these arrogant, know-it-all boors right in the throat. The only time I really enjoyed watching Joe perform was that Monday Night Football game against the Giants when he had his leg snapped like a month-old breadstick. The best thing that could happen to ESPN's football coverage would be for Joe and that fat-ass Irish sidekick of his, Paul Maguire, to elope and spend the rest of their lives sodomizing each other as far, far, far away from the television cameras as possible.
The Craig Kilborn fiasco---What was the "brain" trust at ESPN thinking? You should have given this guy the farm to keep him. Who could forget his eloquent prose describing Jeff Nordgard of UWGB in the NCAA tournamenet one year? "Nordy, flirting with the zone. Nordy in the zone. Nordy lingering in the zone." So what does ESPN do? Naturally they let him bolt for the comedy channel. And by the way, the Comedy Channel airs COMEDY---not documentary's on Lyme disease or the plight of the American farmer. Get a clue ESPN. (also see Bonnie Berstein above)
Chris Berman---At first, his insipid little names were cute. You know, Bert (be home) Blyleven. Now they're an irritation---not unlike genital warts or Hanson. And I'm really getting sick of hearing that fat, balding, prepubescent refer to Anaheim Stadium as the "Hotel California". It's not a damn hotel you putz, and I'd venture to say that at least 1/3 of your audience has no idea of what it means anyway. Just shut the fuck up with the 70's music references already.
Morning Programming---Let's see, from 3 AM until about 6 AM we can watch a repeat of Sportscenter, and then for the next 3 hours watch exercise class? This is bullshit. The only people watching these shows are fat, overweight, desperately horny, unemployed men who fantasize about doing Kiana on the beach (but in all fairness, who hasn't had that fantasy?). What happened to the good old days of Australian rules football and rugby dominating the airwaves at any hour?
ESPN 2---Great addittion to the network. With a few exceptions, this is where all the crap that couldn't make it on ESPN 1 winds up. Then, to make matters worse, they have to staff the "duece" with idiots who couldn't hold Bonnie's panties. I'm sick of losers like Trey Wingo, Whit Watson and that little oriental guy (who obviously never played anything but lawn darts in his life) doing football reports. But the last straw was when they put the fat tub of lard "sportsbabe" on in the mornings. Maybe she should hit the gym with the dog lovers and lose about 150 pounds.

 

 

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