with the proliferation of all sports networks, that most of these
broadcasters experience some serious lapses in programming judgement.
I don't blame the networks totally, but if I had half
a brain I probably would. Granted, it's a tough some days to
fill just an hour program with sports news---especially during
baseball season---much less the full 24 hours in a day.
is no excuse for what some of these sports networks are putting
out over their satellites under the guise of sports . The "S"
in ESPN stands for "sports". The "Sports"
Channel would lead the clear-thinking individual to actually
believe that they broadcast sports. The same with MSC--the "S"
stands for "sports". One would also think, that as
semi-educated people, program directors would have enough sense
to know just what does and what does not constitute a "sport".
Apparently this is not so. It's bad enough that we're subjected
to lame-ass shows like "Speed Week" and "Baseball
Tonite", but when these network executives start slipping
in some of these other things...... It's like spitting into the
wind---you just don't do it.
in mind, here are the dumbest, non-sports programming found on
ESPN, and other so-called "sports networks", that are feebly passed off as "sports"
to the suckers who are stupid enough to watch it.
|NOT a sport
|What's the dude in the white shirt looking at?
|I'll admit to watching Kiana exercise
|Horse/rider....athlete/sissy with whip
|Craig Kilborn: cut off at the knees by ESPN
|ESPN traded away Bonnie for this? WTF?
||Dog Shows---Like I'm going to watch some fat
old lady running around in a circle, sweating like a pig, dragging
some dressed up pooch whose hairdo looks like a bad sci-fi nightmare
gone terribly awry behind her. Most of these women would be better
off going to the gym and working off their lard asses and making themselves look better than spending their days grooming
their mutts. No thanks. I hate dog shows, it's not a sport and
we'd all be better off without having them on TV. Also included
in this genre is....
More fucking dogs. Unless you're the most compulsive of gamblers
with the family double-wide on the line, why would you possibly spend
your time watching this crap? The dogs don't crash into the stands
or burst into flames. There is no pit crew to get run over, and
as far as I can tell, no scantily clad babe to hand out a trophy
to the victor. I'm sorry, but any living being that eats its
own shit is not an athlete. Ban dog racing. This, to no one's
suprise takes us to......
I say "NECKCAR" racing? As in rednecks running on
a real paved road in clown costumes!!! Whooppee!!!!! For my money,
watching Cops on TV has more excitement and high speed chases
than these good ol' boys racing around a freakin' circle in a
perpetual left turn. And these cars and their drivers look like
a bunch of bozo's with their sponsor's logos plastered on every
inch of space available. If these guys had any brains at all
they'd go back to Hazzard County, torment Boss Hogg for a spell,
and then try to get into Daisy Duke's shorts before her husband
and cousin, Luke Duke, gets home from Cooter's garage.
me? That's right....the national spelling bee championships brought
to you courtesy of ESPN. I kind of suspect one of the nerds in
charge over in Bristol either had a wonderful experience competing
in the spelling bee or had a distant rich relative's kid in the
contest. Whereas you could possibly convince me (only by means
of torture) that auto racing is a sport, you could pull out my
fingernails and staple them to my genitals before I would EVER
concede that this freak show is worthy of ESPN or it's kin. Aside
from Orel Herschiser, can you think of just one athlete who looks
like these geeky kids? Sure they'll all probably be rich someday,
but in the meantime, every one of these little Einsteins is getting
the snot kicked out of them at school by the dumb kids who can't
|Cheerleading---You've got to be kidding me. While
I admit there is a lot of work, athleticism and practice going into these
routines, there's a reason why this isn't a sport: They're cheerleaders!!!!
When was the last time you went to the Bradley Center and saw
cheerleaders on the floor while the players stood on the sidelines
with megaphones gyrating their hips to some funked up Shania
Twain tune? There's a reason the cheerleaders are on the sidelines
cheering: They're cheerleaders. They aren't called players. Players
play and cheerleaders cheer. That's the way it is, and the way
it should be. Let me put it to you this way: Would you pay $40
to sit in the freezing cold at Lambeau to watch the Packer cheerleaders
cheer? Didn't think so. Besides, anything that relies on subjective scoring is not a sport---like figure skating, gymnastics and diving.
Fitness Crap--- Same old shit as above. If exercising
qualifies as a sport, then we are all in trouble. Should there
come a time when the AEL (American Exercise League) is formed,
then I'll retract everything mean and nasty I said here. But
until that time....give me a fucking break. What's next...Tae
bo championships? Mall walking championships? Why not make quilting
a sport too? Jesus Christ.
Exception to the rule: Fitness Beach with Kathy Derry
must be the guys who are too chickenshit to ride in a saddle.
Most are probably Amish too---although I have no problem with
this fact. The problem with Harness racing is that not enough
inner-city kids get to enjoy this activity. Let the gang bangers
play too. Armed harness racing might catch on. Last one living
wins. I might even watch on TV.
|Lumberjacking---I'll admit to watching this once
in a great while, but only because I wanted to see someone lose
a limb by some freak chainsaw accident. What these guys need
to do is jump in their pick up and head to the nearest Home Depot
or Fleet Farm. Guys: this is 1999---You can BUY lumber at any
number of places and save yourself the embarassment of performing
your wood cutting on TV.
|WNBA---Sorry ladies, but this is not
a sport either. This is simply a bunch of horses trying playing
basketball. Poorly. Yeah, you got game all right. It should be
"Our league is Lame." It's such a joy to watch a bunch
of sweaty hags miss layup after layup while some dumb broad in
the booth makes excuses for every missed shot. Just go home and
bake some cookies or something. And has anyone seen that 7'5"
Chinese freak of nature play? Yikes. That's hideous.
seems to me, that when you have an obvious superstar, you do
whatever it takes to keep the superstar on the team. Nice job
ESPN. You keep Andrea Kramer and let Bonnie go free agent. Maybe
you could hire the fabulous sports blob/babe too. (Oops, you
already had her on the payroll once. Why'd you let her go? Not
fucking fat and ugly enough for your standards?) Stupid, stupid,
stupid. Bring back Bonnie or feel my wrath.
bad enough to see punks around town wearing pants that hang down
over their asses. What makes you think I want see some 17 year
old on a skateboard with his boxers hanging out? And what the
fuck is this street luge crap? If these punks had any balls at
all they'd be "urban water skiing" while pulled by
some Arab in a smelly taxi through New York City at rush hour
going 60 mph. Now THAT'S "extreme." Pull up your pants,
I get it. Daddy is famous so let's see if we can get his half-dead
son to add a little life to the broadcast with his reporting.
The only thing more boring and lifeless than this stiff is........well,..........
nothing. Is it possible for someone to be so unemotionally detatched
as this cadaver? I guess the answer to this one is a resounding
Theismann and Paul Maguire---Somebody just punch these
arrogant, know-it-all boors right in the throat. The only time
I really enjoyed watching Joe perform was that Monday Night Football
game against the Giants when he had his leg snapped like a month-old
breadstick. The best thing that could happen to ESPN's football
coverage would be for Joe and that fat-ass Irish sidekick of
his, Paul Maguire, to elope and spend the rest of their lives
sodomizing each other as far, far, far away from the television
cameras as possible.
was the "brain" trust at ESPN thinking? You should
have given this guy the farm to keep him. Who could forget his
eloquent prose describing Jeff Nordgard of UWGB in the NCAA tournamenet
one year? "Nordy, flirting with the zone. Nordy in the zone.
Nordy lingering in the zone." So what does ESPN do? Naturally
they let him bolt for the comedy channel. And by the way, the
Comedy Channel airs COMEDY---not documentary's on Lyme disease
or the plight of the American farmer. Get a clue ESPN. (also
see Bonnie Berstein above)
his insipid little names were cute. You know, Bert (be home)
Blyleven. Now they're an irritation---not unlike genital warts
or Hanson. And I'm really getting sick of hearing that fat, balding,
prepubescent refer to Anaheim Stadium as the "Hotel California".
It's not a damn hotel you putz, and I'd venture to say that at
least 1/3 of your audience has no idea of what it means anyway.
Just shut the fuck up with the 70's music references already.
see, from 3 AM until about 6 AM we can watch a repeat of Sportscenter,
and then for the next 3 hours watch exercise class? This is bullshit.
The only people watching these shows are fat, overweight, desperately
horny, unemployed men who fantasize about doing Kiana on the beach (but in all fairness, who hasn't had that fantasy?).
What happened to the good old days of Australian rules football
and rugby dominating the airwaves at any hour?
|ESPN 2---Great addittion to the network.
With a few exceptions, this is where all the crap that couldn't
make it on ESPN 1 winds up. Then, to make matters worse, they
have to staff the "duece" with idiots who couldn't
hold Bonnie's panties. I'm sick of losers like Trey Wingo, Whit
Watson and that little oriental guy (who obviously never played
anything but lawn darts in his life) doing football reports.
But the last straw was when they put the fat tub of lard "sportsbabe" on in the mornings. Maybe she should hit the gym with the dog
lovers and lose about 150 pounds.