Good Lord, Some A-Hole Swiped my Taper at Work and Held it For Ransom!

As it turned out, this was probably one of the funniest things to ever happen at XYZ Corp, but not better than the fake newspaper article I created for April Fools Day in the late 90's stating that all employees at XYZ Corp would be getting about a $5 /hour raise due to unionization. Kudos to KK for masterminding a near-perfect crime.

The Crime of the Century
My taper was abducted at work

 

The ransom note shocked veryone in the shipping department office.

I can't say that I'm surprised this happened at XYZ Corp.  Sadly, my place of work has a sordid history of employing sexual deviants (See "Frank Needs a Date"), malcontents (See "A Month at My Workplace"), knuckleheads (See "A Month at My Workplace") unstable personalities (See "A Month at My Workplace"), more knuckleheads (See "A Month at My Workplace"), and other assorted whackos (See "My Supervisor Ken has Been Transferred".

After a while you kind of get used to spending 8 hours a day at the zoo  XYZ has become, but nothing---and I mean nothing---prepared me for the unrepentant heinous act that ocurred just last week.

Here's how it all went down.

My old pals at the receiving dock were either short-handed or were simply overwhelmed by the sheer volume of raw materials and components which were received that day.  Ever the team player, I was volunteered by the Distribution Manager, Bob (not his real name) to give them a hand after my lunch break.  No problem--I'm always willing to help out when ordered to.

So I grabbed my trusty tape dispenser knowing that I might have to seal some boxes after taking samples from within, and drove the aging, yet slower than fuck, forklift #35 to the receiving dock---completely unaware that my life would soon be turned upside down and inside out.

I did my good deeds for about an hour and went to my desk back at the cube farm---without my taper as I would later find out---and found myself swamped with work proving once again that no good deed goes unpunished. Once I caught up with the voluminous amounts of work, I was able to take a deep breath and reflect upon the good I had done for XYZ Corp that day.

But something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. I could feel it. I just didn't know what it was yet, only impending feelings of doom, despair and misery.

OH MY GOD I LEFT MY TAPER IN THE RECEIVING DEPARTMENT!

Bound, gagged and unable to escape, my taper was in a sticky situation.

Dammit.

Knowing that tapers and box cutters are like gold in Zurich and cigarettes in prison, I raced back to receiving as fast as I could on that piece of shit #35. Frantically, I searched high and low for my taper, but could not locate it in the 2 minutes I searched. Hey, it was almost quitting time.

Sleep did not come easy that night. I tossed and turned like an insomniac wired on coffee and No-Doz. If only I had searched past quitting time? If only I had been more careful and not let the taper out of my sight? What if some scummy 3rd shifter had it? Worse yet, some 2nd shift clown? Or one of those stinky-ass blenders?

I broke down and cried

Looking and feeling like shit, I shuffled into the office the next day clearly a broken man. My co-workers tried to be supportive, but none of them had ever lost a taper so their works rang hollow to me. I made another trip back to the receiving docks on the by now fucking annoyingly super slow #35 for another SAR mission. I was not going to rest until I found that taper.

What kind of twisted mind would do something like this to an inanimate object?

But it was nowhere to be found.

A couple of days passed and I was starting to feel a little better, realizing that it was a piece of fucking plastic with a serated edge. Big deal. Get over it. I could always steal one from someone else anyway.

Then, later that morning, one of the counting chicks brought to me a large envelope with my name on it.  Intrigued. I opened the envelope carefully, not wanting to get a paper cut so soon after my ordeal while my immune system was at a low point.

"I wonder what this could be" I queried to myself and turned white as a sheet when I found a ransom note indicating my taper was in the hands of a criminal! Worse yet, there were disgustingly graphic photos of my taper being tortured in some dungeon.

I fainted and fell to the floor

When I came to, in a mild catatonic state, I showed the others in the office the ransom note and gruesome photos.  They laughed. Those fuckers though this was nothing but a sick joke but I knew better.  "What kind of twisted mind could do something like this?" I asked myself.

This extremely graphic photo made me wretch in disgust when I first saw it

It took me a few moments to compose myself, then I immediately formulated a plan. A plan even more devious and heartless than the kidnapping itself.

I don't negotiate with kidnappers and I don't pay ransoms, but I'll get the donuts. Yessir, I'll get the donuts.

The next morning I left home just a little earlier than normal so that I could stop at one of about 24 Kwik Trips here in town to get some Glazers. I bought a dozen then went to work with pastry in hand.

Upon entering the shipping office I proclaimed "Here are the donuts! Enjoy everyone"

Soon everyone was enjoying the ransom that the perps had to have been quite certain would be theirs. I offered donuts to fat people, skinny people and even people that didn't even work at XYZ---making sure to take a picture of everyone who partook in the sweets just to rub kidnappers' nose in it.

 

 

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About the top banner:
Well call this guy "Mr T". I dared T to plank our bosses desk and he was dumb enough to do it.

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